Uncertain but who cares

I just read some old drafts of essays I was inspired to write for you. It's actually very sincere and open but I believe at this stage it's misguided.

I wanted honesty so we could be secure in knowing who were dealing with. I don't want to love the facade. It's occured to me I invested too much in this relationship and only now that I don't want to be around you do you see it. There's a lot of "I" in this, because I forgot the fact that in the end that's all we have, is our own selves. I hope to love freely but also never to fully give someone the attention if they don't deserve it.

I created ideas around your image, cooked your foods, made sure it was wholesome and clean.You ate the plate and disregarded the work. The amount of effort I gladly gave without asking for things in return. I made sure you were comfortable and was open to all your ideas, catered my self around you. I hope you live a successful life pretending to be someone else

ANOS

on a long route it wont last
all the bullshit in our past
bitter halves tearing at the seams
taking all the time to realize


constantly trying to avoid the unescapable


ive found a reason to be happy
no longer avoiding the reasons
giving into temptations
ones that i cannot escape
intoxicated by the emotions
controlling the unmistakable

The specialization of skill within our communities. The dependence upon each other for survival has increased in exchange but decreased in interpersonal contact so that we require more from each other with less understanding. Our food is raised and harvested by those who practice the ancient art of farming, the lessons are passed down through the cult and none us city folk outsiders can read the Braille. We are the trackhome bumpkins. Industrialized and capable of fashioning elaborate textiles and all matter of peacocketry we are all feather and no wing. Could you successfully raise your own foods, or would you too turn fanged and hungerpained to the magicfoodmen holders of the most necessary knowledge and skill. We are like the nieve and foolish pilgrims, sure they coulda eaten their bibles and you might be able to digest your laptop but (brian fill in ) but what else can we do, and why is no one asking these questions more loudly?

Don't be a puss

Maybe I'm unique in this regard, not unique in the sense of better or special, but as an anomoly to the inherent drive. Knowing that during our breakup within a week she sought sex from someone she claims to not have liked either physicaly or emotionally is odd to digest. I understand the desire to be validated and the low self esteem but is this the solution? The first time she was too drunk to remember what happened, she asked via facebook if they had used a condom. Delivering an odd poem that created no response from her acquisition. I'm sure neither of them thought it would go beyond the hollow physical demands.

It's been three days since I found out and I feel at odds. I wonder why, is there something I didn't provide?(My ego speaks) Is she looking for wild flings(She says it was the only time) I had also asked since we got back to dating if she had been with someone else. She repeatedly stated of course not, and during our relationship she actually said without a prompt that she could never be with another man after me that she did not care for.

The first 3 days were hell, I fell into a manic depression. Feelings of paralyzation, apathy, rage, sadness and finally lashing out. A broken chair here, peering into his open facebook account searching for any clues. But to what? In the infinite scope of this life why should one realization stunt growth in other areas? It's immature to let one hurdle determine the realities of the day. I still am young, and If I were to lose this person then I'll be better for it. It 's not a trait I can accept and better to learn it know then after her bearing kids and being permanently attached.

I'm not sure what I want from us. I do know however that there are other more important things to focus on. Love is a dangerous substance, it can create sensations of bliss and moments of defeat. But if it doesn't work out then back to the square one, focusing on ones own skill set and branching out.