I just read some old drafts of essays I was inspired to write for you. It's actually very sincere and open but I believe at this stage it's misguided.
I wanted honesty so we could be secure in knowing who were dealing with. I don't want to love the facade. It's occured to me I invested too much in this relationship and only now that I don't want to be around you do you see it. There's a lot of "I" in this, because I forgot the fact that in the end that's all we have, is our own selves. I hope to love freely but also never to fully give someone the attention if they don't deserve it.
I created ideas around your image, cooked your foods, made sure it was wholesome and clean.You ate the plate and disregarded the work. The amount of effort I gladly gave without asking for things in return. I made sure you were comfortable and was open to all your ideas, catered my self around you. I hope you live a successful life pretending to be someone else
Thursday, December 5, 2013
ANOS
on a long route it wont last
all the bullshit in our past
bitter halves tearing at the seams
taking all the time to realize
constantly trying to avoid the unescapable
ive found a reason to be happy
no longer avoiding the reasons
giving into temptations
ones that i cannot escape
intoxicated by the emotions
controlling the unmistakable
The specialization of skill within our communities. The dependence upon each other for survival has increased in exchange but decreased in interpersonal contact so that we require more from each other with less understanding. Our food is raised and harvested by those who practice the ancient art of farming, the lessons are passed down through the cult and none us city folk outsiders can read the Braille. We are the trackhome bumpkins. Industrialized and capable of fashioning elaborate textiles and all matter of peacocketry we are all feather and no wing. Could you successfully raise your own foods, or would you too turn fanged and hungerpained to the magicfoodmen holders of the most necessary knowledge and skill. We are like the nieve and foolish pilgrims, sure they coulda eaten their bibles and you might be able to digest your laptop but (brian fill in ) but what else can we do, and why is no one asking these questions more loudly?
Don't be a puss
Maybe I'm unique in this regard, not unique in the sense of better or special, but as an anomoly to the inherent drive. Knowing that during our breakup within a week she sought sex from someone she claims to not have liked either physicaly or emotionally is odd to digest. I understand the desire to be validated and the low self esteem but is this the solution? The first time she was too drunk to remember what happened, she asked via facebook if they had used a condom. Delivering an odd poem that created no response from her acquisition. I'm sure neither of them thought it would go beyond the hollow physical demands.
It's been three days since I found out and I feel at odds. I wonder why, is there something I didn't provide?(My ego speaks) Is she looking for wild flings(She says it was the only time) I had also asked since we got back to dating if she had been with someone else. She repeatedly stated of course not, and during our relationship she actually said without a prompt that she could never be with another man after me that she did not care for.
The first 3 days were hell, I fell into a manic depression. Feelings of paralyzation, apathy, rage, sadness and finally lashing out. A broken chair here, peering into his open facebook account searching for any clues. But to what? In the infinite scope of this life why should one realization stunt growth in other areas? It's immature to let one hurdle determine the realities of the day. I still am young, and If I were to lose this person then I'll be better for it. It 's not a trait I can accept and better to learn it know then after her bearing kids and being permanently attached.
I'm not sure what I want from us. I do know however that there are other more important things to focus on. Love is a dangerous substance, it can create sensations of bliss and moments of defeat. But if it doesn't work out then back to the square one, focusing on ones own skill set and branching out.
It's been three days since I found out and I feel at odds. I wonder why, is there something I didn't provide?(My ego speaks) Is she looking for wild flings(She says it was the only time) I had also asked since we got back to dating if she had been with someone else. She repeatedly stated of course not, and during our relationship she actually said without a prompt that she could never be with another man after me that she did not care for.
The first 3 days were hell, I fell into a manic depression. Feelings of paralyzation, apathy, rage, sadness and finally lashing out. A broken chair here, peering into his open facebook account searching for any clues. But to what? In the infinite scope of this life why should one realization stunt growth in other areas? It's immature to let one hurdle determine the realities of the day. I still am young, and If I were to lose this person then I'll be better for it. It 's not a trait I can accept and better to learn it know then after her bearing kids and being permanently attached.
I'm not sure what I want from us. I do know however that there are other more important things to focus on. Love is a dangerous substance, it can create sensations of bliss and moments of defeat. But if it doesn't work out then back to the square one, focusing on ones own skill set and branching out.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Martial arts as an approach to life and badassedry
"The desire to know is natural to good men" - Leonardo Da Vinci
I'm drenched in sweat circling around the ring. I think it's been 3 rounds but It's hard to keep track. I'm desperately trying to not look tired but my heavy breathing and lowered defenses show otherwise. I thought the adrenaline would block out the pain but my left foot feels swollen and restrained.Boom. I get hit with a leg kick to my thigh. My knee buckles for a quick second, I bob my head back and forth to confuse my opponent. I keep throwing punches but they only hit air as I smile at my lack of range. I land a body shot as my opponent returns with another kick.
The bell rings and I hold on to the ropes to alleviate the stress on my legs. Every little bit helps.
It seems like a brute sport, what kind of testosterone filled idiot would engage in receiving and causing damage? It doesn't have to do with proving anything to anyone but yourself. Muscle memory, discipline, and a chess like brain to dominate ones own instincts. The first instinct when you train is to cower away, cover your face and turn your back. That's the worst possible approach, our instincts fail. Were not a moving target, were a wide open target with no sense of direction.
To those that have never done striking, engaged in grappling or other combat sport you've never faced the impact and maturity of martial arts. It isn't a sport for brutes or those lacking confidence, instead it's an embrace of ones sorroundings and their opponents technique.A street fighter very often gasses themselves out with their posturing and rush of adrenaline instead of relying on technique instead of emotion.
Martial arts comes from the latin meaning art of war. There is a mind state inherent.
A breaking point emerges in any and all fighter, beggining with the novice being overwhelmed by proper technique, falling under the stress of being attacked and cowering away from punches, giving up during submissions. Convincing oneself that they should quit or experience pain and loss.
An street fighter will be overwhelmed by anxiety and adrenaline that by the time they commit to the fight they will exaust themselves and instead of being in the moment they will become one dimensional and only attack from one angle. Their technique causes their defenses to be weak and easily countered, and their offence lacking strength or finess.
An experienced fighter will ideally be cautious and perhaps scared, but ultimately muscle memory will kick in and they will flow combinations and techniques to counter and push their tempo. I don't know if one can fight without fear, but the idea of being confident in ones own abilities causes the brain to become more focused.
When I started striking my instinct would be to circle around away from the punches, after throwing the same basic combos I would be countered and stifled. At certain points after being struck I felt an urge to stop. The reptilian brain would kick in after much practice and I would set up combinations with proper footwork, head movement, precision and then finally committing to well timed combinations and set ups. I would feel secure that I could defend myself and face adversity with a steady hand instead of squirming out of movements.
Technique is the number one tool, speed, strength and elusiveness come second always. If you get stuck in a bad position no amount of energy will negate that. Leverage and position rival all. A mental acuity of being able to maneuver around your opponent kicks in. Even if one is struck you gather your self and see that you can challenge your opponent. The lucky punch is very rare.
Being comfortable in ones own skin was a great offshoot of my training. I didn't ever have to prove to people I was tough because all my aggression had an outlet. I knew I've faced adversity and my mind was prepared for any task that was in front of me.
My self esteem sky rocketed because I felt reassured that I could conquer life it with a proud sense of direction. After every training session I would feel happy to know I made myself better and more capable.
You learn to respect others for their capabilities and potential.Facing life and death because the body knows no different when you're being attacked.
Every human being should know how to defend themselves as well as know what being dominated and close to death feel like. Unless you're training partners are completely savages they're never going to submit you to unconsciousness or break a body part. But to have to forcefully say you give up due to a bad position humbles you. It makes you understand that you have room for improvement but also that another human could to that do you makes you respect people's capabilities.
I recommend Jujitsu as a first time sport. There's no striking as it is a submission based martial art. You tap out when you get in a bad position and there's very little risk of injury. It gives you the thrill of the hunt without the brain damage essentially. Everyone is different though, my girlfriend would rather watch netflicks instead of trying to tap out sweaty people. But I hope you at least see it as a character builder and a humbling activity instead of a aggro douchy sport.
I'm drenched in sweat circling around the ring. I think it's been 3 rounds but It's hard to keep track. I'm desperately trying to not look tired but my heavy breathing and lowered defenses show otherwise. I thought the adrenaline would block out the pain but my left foot feels swollen and restrained.Boom. I get hit with a leg kick to my thigh. My knee buckles for a quick second, I bob my head back and forth to confuse my opponent. I keep throwing punches but they only hit air as I smile at my lack of range. I land a body shot as my opponent returns with another kick.
The bell rings and I hold on to the ropes to alleviate the stress on my legs. Every little bit helps.
It seems like a brute sport, what kind of testosterone filled idiot would engage in receiving and causing damage? It doesn't have to do with proving anything to anyone but yourself. Muscle memory, discipline, and a chess like brain to dominate ones own instincts. The first instinct when you train is to cower away, cover your face and turn your back. That's the worst possible approach, our instincts fail. Were not a moving target, were a wide open target with no sense of direction.
To those that have never done striking, engaged in grappling or other combat sport you've never faced the impact and maturity of martial arts. It isn't a sport for brutes or those lacking confidence, instead it's an embrace of ones sorroundings and their opponents technique.A street fighter very often gasses themselves out with their posturing and rush of adrenaline instead of relying on technique instead of emotion.
Martial arts comes from the latin meaning art of war. There is a mind state inherent.
A breaking point emerges in any and all fighter, beggining with the novice being overwhelmed by proper technique, falling under the stress of being attacked and cowering away from punches, giving up during submissions. Convincing oneself that they should quit or experience pain and loss.
An street fighter will be overwhelmed by anxiety and adrenaline that by the time they commit to the fight they will exaust themselves and instead of being in the moment they will become one dimensional and only attack from one angle. Their technique causes their defenses to be weak and easily countered, and their offence lacking strength or finess.
An experienced fighter will ideally be cautious and perhaps scared, but ultimately muscle memory will kick in and they will flow combinations and techniques to counter and push their tempo. I don't know if one can fight without fear, but the idea of being confident in ones own abilities causes the brain to become more focused.
When I started striking my instinct would be to circle around away from the punches, after throwing the same basic combos I would be countered and stifled. At certain points after being struck I felt an urge to stop. The reptilian brain would kick in after much practice and I would set up combinations with proper footwork, head movement, precision and then finally committing to well timed combinations and set ups. I would feel secure that I could defend myself and face adversity with a steady hand instead of squirming out of movements.
Technique is the number one tool, speed, strength and elusiveness come second always. If you get stuck in a bad position no amount of energy will negate that. Leverage and position rival all. A mental acuity of being able to maneuver around your opponent kicks in. Even if one is struck you gather your self and see that you can challenge your opponent. The lucky punch is very rare.
Being comfortable in ones own skin was a great offshoot of my training. I didn't ever have to prove to people I was tough because all my aggression had an outlet. I knew I've faced adversity and my mind was prepared for any task that was in front of me.
My self esteem sky rocketed because I felt reassured that I could conquer life it with a proud sense of direction. After every training session I would feel happy to know I made myself better and more capable.
You learn to respect others for their capabilities and potential.Facing life and death because the body knows no different when you're being attacked.
Every human being should know how to defend themselves as well as know what being dominated and close to death feel like. Unless you're training partners are completely savages they're never going to submit you to unconsciousness or break a body part. But to have to forcefully say you give up due to a bad position humbles you. It makes you understand that you have room for improvement but also that another human could to that do you makes you respect people's capabilities.
I recommend Jujitsu as a first time sport. There's no striking as it is a submission based martial art. You tap out when you get in a bad position and there's very little risk of injury. It gives you the thrill of the hunt without the brain damage essentially. Everyone is different though, my girlfriend would rather watch netflicks instead of trying to tap out sweaty people. But I hope you at least see it as a character builder and a humbling activity instead of a aggro douchy sport.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Abuse Of Power: Hot Buns Edition
Online criticisms have to be the lowest common denominator in
writing. Not only are you shielded anonymously without any needed
review, but a scathing review can be easily administered instantaneously
in the heat of a moment.
What I've witnessed can only be seen as my perspective with this seemingly abusive person, whether or not they just had a bad day or whatever is of little consequence.
This Director of commercials is famous for reinventing the way fast food is presented at the end of commercials. You know, the camera pan that ever so seductively lures you into neon cheese filled food stuff. It's basically the well manicured food that one could imagine Gandhi salivating over after a fast. Typically, the minimum waged payed teenager who cooks this gives zero recognition to the fact that he somehow presented a burger in the form of mashed potatoes.
Either way, this isn't a scathing criticism of fast food. I mean, the fact that this Director can make this soylent green food appetizing speaks volumes to the mans image. What this actually means to show is the lack of self control one has when no one has the nerve to criticize you for being abrasive(aka cunty) towards everyone.
It was a one day preparation to have one burger in the establishing shot. It was essentially a burger bun holocaust. We had over 500 buns discarded due to the fact that they had blemishes. Strike number 1: Our director criticized the person who scoured Los Angeles for buns on the basis that he had brought mediocre bread. It's understandable that a perfectionist would only want the best enriched bleached flour pattys, but the production assistant didn't bring mushy, bloated, or torn buns. I'm sure they had a redeeming personality to go along with their inherent physical weakness at least.
Strike Number 2: Making the head food stylist cry due to her inability to produce a beautifully toasted bun. With his constant unnecessary criticisms to the stylists abilities and scolding her in public making her feel inept. This lady looked like one of the "Golden Girls", not a pinata full of gold you had to jab.
I won't consider this a big deal but my direct interaction with the man showed his complete lack of respect. After communicating with another production assistant as to our next move he barked, "Hey, you need to stop yelling, this isn't the club ok man" Not much harm in the statement, but it speaks volumes about a mans form of resolve for having to bring a person down in an nonconstructive and blatantly backwards approach. I was not yelling nor was I boisterous or speaking more than was necessary. You seem like the type that would find ballet too aggressive.
I've heard unverified stories of people withdrawing from their positions after a few days of working with this man. People in high paying and short lived shoots such as the time span of 3 weeks or less, withdrawing less than halfway through.
This man funds his own multi million commercials and pays out of pocket for the expenses. For all the money he makes and the wealth he acquired he sure seems to have such a weak character. This fact itself shows the hollow victory he must feel every day, to be able to make those around him feel inadequate not because of his overwhelming talent, but for his unrelenting abrasive personality. It would be fitting to call this man an asshole and be done with it. Truthfully, I just feel bad for the guy.
What I've witnessed can only be seen as my perspective with this seemingly abusive person, whether or not they just had a bad day or whatever is of little consequence.
This Director of commercials is famous for reinventing the way fast food is presented at the end of commercials. You know, the camera pan that ever so seductively lures you into neon cheese filled food stuff. It's basically the well manicured food that one could imagine Gandhi salivating over after a fast. Typically, the minimum waged payed teenager who cooks this gives zero recognition to the fact that he somehow presented a burger in the form of mashed potatoes.
Either way, this isn't a scathing criticism of fast food. I mean, the fact that this Director can make this soylent green food appetizing speaks volumes to the mans image. What this actually means to show is the lack of self control one has when no one has the nerve to criticize you for being abrasive(aka cunty) towards everyone.
It was a one day preparation to have one burger in the establishing shot. It was essentially a burger bun holocaust. We had over 500 buns discarded due to the fact that they had blemishes. Strike number 1: Our director criticized the person who scoured Los Angeles for buns on the basis that he had brought mediocre bread. It's understandable that a perfectionist would only want the best enriched bleached flour pattys, but the production assistant didn't bring mushy, bloated, or torn buns. I'm sure they had a redeeming personality to go along with their inherent physical weakness at least.
Strike Number 2: Making the head food stylist cry due to her inability to produce a beautifully toasted bun. With his constant unnecessary criticisms to the stylists abilities and scolding her in public making her feel inept. This lady looked like one of the "Golden Girls", not a pinata full of gold you had to jab.
I won't consider this a big deal but my direct interaction with the man showed his complete lack of respect. After communicating with another production assistant as to our next move he barked, "Hey, you need to stop yelling, this isn't the club ok man" Not much harm in the statement, but it speaks volumes about a mans form of resolve for having to bring a person down in an nonconstructive and blatantly backwards approach. I was not yelling nor was I boisterous or speaking more than was necessary. You seem like the type that would find ballet too aggressive.
I've heard unverified stories of people withdrawing from their positions after a few days of working with this man. People in high paying and short lived shoots such as the time span of 3 weeks or less, withdrawing less than halfway through.
This man funds his own multi million commercials and pays out of pocket for the expenses. For all the money he makes and the wealth he acquired he sure seems to have such a weak character. This fact itself shows the hollow victory he must feel every day, to be able to make those around him feel inadequate not because of his overwhelming talent, but for his unrelenting abrasive personality. It would be fitting to call this man an asshole and be done with it. Truthfully, I just feel bad for the guy.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Being gay is a-ok
It's been proven that homosexuality is a completely natural form of existence. For example, animals have been shown to do homosexual acts for several reasons such as group cohesion, making sure the species survives, and also just cause it feels good.
I believe that the confusion lies in what some would consider common sense. The question begs to be answered, "How would the human race survive if homosexuality was natural?"
The answer is easy to figure out. We are all unique, offering a multitude of varying genetic codes with different immune systems, psychological adaptations, dietary needs, ect. Why should sexuality be any different?
You may have a small family that instead of having relations with one another there are roles set aside. In tight knit communities it would be advantageous to be gay instead of committing to incest, you have a caretaker in the group who is willing to play babysitter instead of longing to mate with the opposite sex who would be your family.
Also it has been proven that families containing homosexual men and heterosexual women makes it so that the women have a hyper amplified desire to have kids. It's almost like they rob the testosterone of men to want more children.
The biggest reason why you haven't heard this is because bigots have had the biggest say into whats right and wrong. For those in the religious circles and those wannabe alpha males(which I will write about in another blog) believe that a "real man" and "real women" should fit into their respective roles. It really isn't about what makes sense, its more about having people fit into your illusion as to what a gender role looks like.
The most unintentionally gay argument I have ever heard is when people say being gay isn't natural. As if all these gay people are forcing themselves to have sex. For whatever reason this group even though is widely unaccepted decides that "yeah, I feel like getting my ass kicked for the rest of my life". There's such thing as being an outcast and wanting to feel different and then there's nature. Certain people are gay and love musicals but they shouldn't be hated for wearing sequins.
I believe that the confusion lies in what some would consider common sense. The question begs to be answered, "How would the human race survive if homosexuality was natural?"
The answer is easy to figure out. We are all unique, offering a multitude of varying genetic codes with different immune systems, psychological adaptations, dietary needs, ect. Why should sexuality be any different?
You may have a small family that instead of having relations with one another there are roles set aside. In tight knit communities it would be advantageous to be gay instead of committing to incest, you have a caretaker in the group who is willing to play babysitter instead of longing to mate with the opposite sex who would be your family.
Also it has been proven that families containing homosexual men and heterosexual women makes it so that the women have a hyper amplified desire to have kids. It's almost like they rob the testosterone of men to want more children.
The biggest reason why you haven't heard this is because bigots have had the biggest say into whats right and wrong. For those in the religious circles and those wannabe alpha males(which I will write about in another blog) believe that a "real man" and "real women" should fit into their respective roles. It really isn't about what makes sense, its more about having people fit into your illusion as to what a gender role looks like.
The most unintentionally gay argument I have ever heard is when people say being gay isn't natural. As if all these gay people are forcing themselves to have sex. For whatever reason this group even though is widely unaccepted decides that "yeah, I feel like getting my ass kicked for the rest of my life". There's such thing as being an outcast and wanting to feel different and then there's nature. Certain people are gay and love musicals but they shouldn't be hated for wearing sequins.
Monday, January 28, 2013
The intahwebz
We truly live in fascinating times. With the creation of the internet we all have 24 hour access to a user generated encyclopedia. As well as a area to share information wirelessly to be viewed at your leisure.
Never in the history of the world have we had a tool this unique and all emcopassing. To be able to go anywhere and have acccess to a tool that allows us to seek information. If it wasn't so common to us we would see it as magic. At a moments notice we can view what local areas are good on yelp, reading about tidbits to see if parking is bad, what item is best to try. We can create plans, share our thoughts and talk to strangers all over the globe. Even revolutions like the one in Syria were fed contributions by organizing rallies on twitter.
We do become over saturated with useless information and time wasting things but the internet is an extension of our reality. We have those that contribute and those that try to take away.
No longer are we limited by word of mouth or random selection, we can research and share our our data on the web.
Never in the history of the world have we had a tool this unique and all emcopassing. To be able to go anywhere and have acccess to a tool that allows us to seek information. If it wasn't so common to us we would see it as magic. At a moments notice we can view what local areas are good on yelp, reading about tidbits to see if parking is bad, what item is best to try. We can create plans, share our thoughts and talk to strangers all over the globe. Even revolutions like the one in Syria were fed contributions by organizing rallies on twitter.
We do become over saturated with useless information and time wasting things but the internet is an extension of our reality. We have those that contribute and those that try to take away.
No longer are we limited by word of mouth or random selection, we can research and share our our data on the web.
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