Roaming charges

I've been going to Venice beach a lot recently. Despite the bad traffic and the love/hate relationship I have with it, I keep going. Ironically enough I go mostly for the Basketball games, instead of the beach. What really sets this area apart from any other is the mood which is a mix of fast paced, and relaxed docile people. A lot of people here are visiting and want to see as much as they can, others have no discernible ambitions other than just taking it all in slowly. This brings a point that has always fascinated me. As a tourist why would you ever pay a tour guide who is going to give you a neat package you can read in the city brochure? Just get down there and enjoy the sounds, culture, food, smells(bad example), and the people. There's stories a tour guide would never tell. "You see that spot near the pizza joint? That's where some bums fought the cops with belts, Meth sure is a helluva' drug!"

Bitching about things

Life has recently been a swing of emotions for me. Much like a Bi Polar I've had extreme lows and extreme highs. From depressive slumps to ecstatic feelings. It's annoying because most of the time I cannot identify why. I don't think its a chemical imbalance, but of course I am only guessing.

Is it selfish feeling low at times when others suffer with starvation and genocide? Yeah, it kinda is but that doesn't really matter. One's needs are more valid than anything else. How can one help others when their own life is unstable? Also it would be downright impossible to try and help others dire needs when so many suffer, it is unfeasible.

A few weeks ago I had a dream wherein I felt loved by a female companion(beyond sexual folks, ain't that damn funny?) And after I woke up I felt empty, yet at the same time I felt refreshed as if a goal that I was searching for but could not identify was revealed to me. Perhaps the most valuable thing in my life would be to have a relationship with someone that was beyond sexual. Of course there ain't nothing wrong with getting some.

Keeping it real

I sometimes lie to have things my way and sometimes lie without even thinking about it through embellishing stories. After I do so, I typically try and tell the person I lied, I don't lie frequently but it feels weird to even do so at all. It's an annoying trait, and although its rare, it still aggravates me.

I also have built up a wall around people, where I do not let them view my true self at times. I wonder how many people feel like they have to, and how many instinctively do so. I wonder how often other people do things without considering possible outcomes. And do these actions define a person more than if a person were to thoroughly consider consequences. An example was when I was younger my father started dating a female who was really nice and right for him. I acted like a total brat without even thinking about why I did it. I suppose it was to guard him from going out with any other woman other than my step mom who truly loved me. Looking back at that, I feel petty and downright selfish. I truly need to think about consequences and my actions, before acting. I'm sure we all have instinctively done something we did not understand at the time.

Life is so much harder when you believe your feelings are unique. When it comes down to it we all pretty much experience the same basic emotions. We long for care, acceptance, and love. We all get frustrated, have our doubts, and go through bouts of depression. Would life be easier if we all wore our hearts in our sleaves? A recent event in one of my classes felt somewhat awkward, yet also reassuring. On the first day of class people started telling their life stories in which some had OCD, ADD,etc. One person told us his mother tried heroin while he was in the womb. Really? What the Fuck? That's a completely raw and revealing fact. I don't think I could ever truly reveal myself to a group full of strangers. Even though this person had no word in his mothers heroin abuse, it's still a lot to reveal. I wonder if I revealed myself like that would I be a better or worse person? Does it even matter?

My life has not been significantly hard, in fact I have had a good life. I still have my doubts of course, but when I feel like we all share the same traits it brings me hope.