Keeping it real

I sometimes lie to have things my way and sometimes lie without even thinking about it through embellishing stories. After I do so, I typically try and tell the person I lied, I don't lie frequently but it feels weird to even do so at all. It's an annoying trait, and although its rare, it still aggravates me.

I also have built up a wall around people, where I do not let them view my true self at times. I wonder how many people feel like they have to, and how many instinctively do so. I wonder how often other people do things without considering possible outcomes. And do these actions define a person more than if a person were to thoroughly consider consequences. An example was when I was younger my father started dating a female who was really nice and right for him. I acted like a total brat without even thinking about why I did it. I suppose it was to guard him from going out with any other woman other than my step mom who truly loved me. Looking back at that, I feel petty and downright selfish. I truly need to think about consequences and my actions, before acting. I'm sure we all have instinctively done something we did not understand at the time.

Life is so much harder when you believe your feelings are unique. When it comes down to it we all pretty much experience the same basic emotions. We long for care, acceptance, and love. We all get frustrated, have our doubts, and go through bouts of depression. Would life be easier if we all wore our hearts in our sleaves? A recent event in one of my classes felt somewhat awkward, yet also reassuring. On the first day of class people started telling their life stories in which some had OCD, ADD,etc. One person told us his mother tried heroin while he was in the womb. Really? What the Fuck? That's a completely raw and revealing fact. I don't think I could ever truly reveal myself to a group full of strangers. Even though this person had no word in his mothers heroin abuse, it's still a lot to reveal. I wonder if I revealed myself like that would I be a better or worse person? Does it even matter?

My life has not been significantly hard, in fact I have had a good life. I still have my doubts of course, but when I feel like we all share the same traits it brings me hope.