Dreams , vivid shit going on in ma nogging

This entire week I've been having very vivid dreams. To the point where very minute details that seem trivial occur. I'm just waking up and I can remember a bunch of details that were seemingly random.

In this recent dream I was at a bar, the first time I was there it was virtually empty except for a friend. Me and the friend created havoc and had to pay around 500 dollars. They even served us a list. Second time It had more people and the fine they gave me was even larger. I remember reading about 30 or so infractions in a plain white list. Some in fractions included "Strange phone call""Assault A". I remember the bar being remodeled and that the owner was glad to see me. There was only one waitress and the place was somewhat busy with about 15 or so customers. I remember that a friend of mine saw very little to look forward to in life, and when another female redhead friend wanted to commit suicide he obliged by handing her a handgun. I was distraught and trying to keep her from doing so. I remember she asked me a question and for whatever reason it was aimed at telling me about the ownership of the handgun. And I said, well it's yours now. Also I cried and explained that real pain was from friends I saw having chemotherapy and addicted to opiates where they gain angst and anxiety from lack of strength.

Also as I left my dad picked me up and there was an airport near a medical marijuana dispensary.

Strange days indeed

One

I don't claim to be anything more than my actions. However when one feels that they have to adapt from person to person, blending in like a chameleon and satisfying myself by doing what I think people would like from me it becomes hard to distinguish who I am .The truth is I do it mainly to shelter my insecurities then to please people. Exposing the true image would lead to rejection and pain. I can be the stoic man passionate and fully immersed, negative and mischievous, shy and reserved, talkative; friendly; warm, or a combination of other emotions. Exposing these emotions leads to a sense of acting, not being oneself and putting a front. Much like an actor shifting into another character, it becomes second nature. Never breaking my barriers for fear of conflict. However the conflict comes from within.

Seldom has there been a a feeling of intense and overwhelming "butterflies" exposing my true self. It leads to an exposure that borderlines on an unhealthy feeling of inferiority . Trying to arrange my mask I realized it was not worth it. A heavy fight or flight response beckons and garners pure sincerity. Much like discovering a better way of living life, there is a sense of bewilderment where possibilities seem endless. Time has absolutely no bearing on my actions. No longer does there need to be a wall, there is only acceptance and bliss, words do not do this feeling justice. To put on a mask would make things feel cheap, a mask leads to pure dread.

The second time this feeling was felt was even more refreshing. She was absolutely warm and embracing. Beautiful and sincere, making lies seem foolish and unnecessary. She will guide me through the darkness, and as soon as she exposes it, I will need no guide. Independent yet connected, sharing our true images and enjoying it all, but without clinging to each other. Once the void is exposed it will seem odd that it was ever there to begin with.

Romantic love seems corny because pop culture has made it seem like a comically impossible feat. To attempt that "love" requires one to be amazingly dull. Love at first sight is retarded, a soul mate is implausible, perfection is relative and it does not mean there will be no conflict. Love is something you work towards, it does not mean you will always be satisfied, it means you know satisfaction lies over the hill. Caring unselfishly, letting your partner be themselves and comfortable to be as they are, letting go of attachment and instead understanding that a bond does not mean you have to force. Ride the wave as best as you can.