I've faced a tremendous fear, but I learned how to conquer it. It was hard at first, because many good reasons came up as to why I shouldn't.
The stakes were high because what was at stake was precious time. Right now in my 20's it's the ripe opportunity to be at my best, physically, mentally and I'm able to make as many mistakes as I can without facing serious repercussions.
Yet somehow I still managed to make excuses. "What's the point? It's too hard. I'm not good enough. I'll get it done tomorrow." All excuses and reasons as to why I can't.
But why even focus on that bullshit, instead of looking at challenges as something that's too great, why not pay attention to the why not? Who says I can't? Are those successful people I see on screen better than me? Not necessarily, they worked at it. All the skill I see is potential and hard work coming together. They're not better, they're just busier.
It's going to sound corny but I believe people can do anything they set their mind to. With enough effort I know I can. It's just about looking at it as a challenge. I'll fail often, but that's ok. Because I just created another angle. I won't be going back that route and I'll learn from my mistakes. One option down means one step closer to finding the right move.
So I look at the fear and all the reasons why not and say "If I want it bad enough, I can sacrifice my time in exchange to get closer to my passion" Because I am worth it, because it's the only thing that I'm willing to fight for and set time aside for. The better the challenge the more skill I gain. It's only going to make me stronger and I refuse to let anything get in my way to achieve this.
If I want it bad enough I'll find a way, all this opportunity to make it is the reason why the negative thoughts are just that, thoughts. Just like a good idea that doesn't get applied, all it becomes is loose information. It doesn't take me anywhere, what does is applying the skill.
Yes I'm going to lose and have to learn all the basics, but that's all good because at least I took the chance. No one wants to be the guy that uses words like "should have, wished I did, I could of done it" Yeah well why didn't you? There's no better reason for finding success than to be successful.
All we have is space and opportunity, I'm willing to set it all down and get shit done.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Living poor isn't so bad
I haven't worked freelance PA gigs in over 4 weeks, and even though it's getting down to the point of concern for my financial well being, it's all good.
A few concerned people like my ex have poked their heads and asked "what up?"
It's been real creative, got the CA drought documentary in post production, I might become a contributing writer for 3 websites, and at the very least I get to have fun doing the things that make me happy.
There's a tremendous fear that circles itself around in the life of a freelancer. Particularly a freelance writer. It's good though, it makes one feel in tune to how fleeting success is. You may find a nest egg that feeds you for a while, then all of a sudden it vanishes.
I'm not sure if it even matters in the long term, I remember the homeboy Alan Watts talked about enjoying the journey, savoring the path. It truly makes sense, the long term goal may transform into something entirely different, what's the point of feeling like garbage for a few extra bucks?
I mean I totally get it, you've got to make a living and act adult. You can't expect to live off handouts and to barely scrape by. But honestly, why does it feel much better than when I had a ton of disposable income. Even though I'm wary to purchase things it does feel great to know I can still enjoy myself with the essentials.
A few concerned people like my ex have poked their heads and asked "what up?"
It's been real creative, got the CA drought documentary in post production, I might become a contributing writer for 3 websites, and at the very least I get to have fun doing the things that make me happy.
There's a tremendous fear that circles itself around in the life of a freelancer. Particularly a freelance writer. It's good though, it makes one feel in tune to how fleeting success is. You may find a nest egg that feeds you for a while, then all of a sudden it vanishes.
I'm not sure if it even matters in the long term, I remember the homeboy Alan Watts talked about enjoying the journey, savoring the path. It truly makes sense, the long term goal may transform into something entirely different, what's the point of feeling like garbage for a few extra bucks?
I mean I totally get it, you've got to make a living and act adult. You can't expect to live off handouts and to barely scrape by. But honestly, why does it feel much better than when I had a ton of disposable income. Even though I'm wary to purchase things it does feel great to know I can still enjoy myself with the essentials.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Uncertain but who cares
I just read some old drafts of essays I was inspired to write for you. It's actually very sincere and open but I believe at this stage it's misguided.
I wanted honesty so we could be secure in knowing who were dealing with. I don't want to love the facade. It's occured to me I invested too much in this relationship and only now that I don't want to be around you do you see it. There's a lot of "I" in this, because I forgot the fact that in the end that's all we have, is our own selves. I hope to love freely but also never to fully give someone the attention if they don't deserve it.
I created ideas around your image, cooked your foods, made sure it was wholesome and clean.You ate the plate and disregarded the work. The amount of effort I gladly gave without asking for things in return. I made sure you were comfortable and was open to all your ideas, catered my self around you. I hope you live a successful life pretending to be someone else
I wanted honesty so we could be secure in knowing who were dealing with. I don't want to love the facade. It's occured to me I invested too much in this relationship and only now that I don't want to be around you do you see it. There's a lot of "I" in this, because I forgot the fact that in the end that's all we have, is our own selves. I hope to love freely but also never to fully give someone the attention if they don't deserve it.
I created ideas around your image, cooked your foods, made sure it was wholesome and clean.You ate the plate and disregarded the work. The amount of effort I gladly gave without asking for things in return. I made sure you were comfortable and was open to all your ideas, catered my self around you. I hope you live a successful life pretending to be someone else
ANOS
on a long route it wont last
all the bullshit in our past
bitter halves tearing at the seams
taking all the time to realize
constantly trying to avoid the unescapable
ive found a reason to be happy
no longer avoiding the reasons
giving into temptations
ones that i cannot escape
intoxicated by the emotions
controlling the unmistakable
The specialization of skill within our communities. The dependence upon each other for survival has increased in exchange but decreased in interpersonal contact so that we require more from each other with less understanding. Our food is raised and harvested by those who practice the ancient art of farming, the lessons are passed down through the cult and none us city folk outsiders can read the Braille. We are the trackhome bumpkins. Industrialized and capable of fashioning elaborate textiles and all matter of peacocketry we are all feather and no wing. Could you successfully raise your own foods, or would you too turn fanged and hungerpained to the magicfoodmen holders of the most necessary knowledge and skill. We are like the nieve and foolish pilgrims, sure they coulda eaten their bibles and you might be able to digest your laptop but (brian fill in ) but what else can we do, and why is no one asking these questions more loudly?
Don't be a puss
Maybe I'm unique in this regard, not unique in the sense of better or special, but as an anomoly to the inherent drive. Knowing that during our breakup within a week she sought sex from someone she claims to not have liked either physicaly or emotionally is odd to digest. I understand the desire to be validated and the low self esteem but is this the solution? The first time she was too drunk to remember what happened, she asked via facebook if they had used a condom. Delivering an odd poem that created no response from her acquisition. I'm sure neither of them thought it would go beyond the hollow physical demands.
It's been three days since I found out and I feel at odds. I wonder why, is there something I didn't provide?(My ego speaks) Is she looking for wild flings(She says it was the only time) I had also asked since we got back to dating if she had been with someone else. She repeatedly stated of course not, and during our relationship she actually said without a prompt that she could never be with another man after me that she did not care for.
The first 3 days were hell, I fell into a manic depression. Feelings of paralyzation, apathy, rage, sadness and finally lashing out. A broken chair here, peering into his open facebook account searching for any clues. But to what? In the infinite scope of this life why should one realization stunt growth in other areas? It's immature to let one hurdle determine the realities of the day. I still am young, and If I were to lose this person then I'll be better for it. It 's not a trait I can accept and better to learn it know then after her bearing kids and being permanently attached.
I'm not sure what I want from us. I do know however that there are other more important things to focus on. Love is a dangerous substance, it can create sensations of bliss and moments of defeat. But if it doesn't work out then back to the square one, focusing on ones own skill set and branching out.
It's been three days since I found out and I feel at odds. I wonder why, is there something I didn't provide?(My ego speaks) Is she looking for wild flings(She says it was the only time) I had also asked since we got back to dating if she had been with someone else. She repeatedly stated of course not, and during our relationship she actually said without a prompt that she could never be with another man after me that she did not care for.
The first 3 days were hell, I fell into a manic depression. Feelings of paralyzation, apathy, rage, sadness and finally lashing out. A broken chair here, peering into his open facebook account searching for any clues. But to what? In the infinite scope of this life why should one realization stunt growth in other areas? It's immature to let one hurdle determine the realities of the day. I still am young, and If I were to lose this person then I'll be better for it. It 's not a trait I can accept and better to learn it know then after her bearing kids and being permanently attached.
I'm not sure what I want from us. I do know however that there are other more important things to focus on. Love is a dangerous substance, it can create sensations of bliss and moments of defeat. But if it doesn't work out then back to the square one, focusing on ones own skill set and branching out.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Martial arts as an approach to life and badassedry
"The desire to know is natural to good men" - Leonardo Da Vinci
I'm drenched in sweat circling around the ring. I think it's been 3 rounds but It's hard to keep track. I'm desperately trying to not look tired but my heavy breathing and lowered defenses show otherwise. I thought the adrenaline would block out the pain but my left foot feels swollen and restrained.Boom. I get hit with a leg kick to my thigh. My knee buckles for a quick second, I bob my head back and forth to confuse my opponent. I keep throwing punches but they only hit air as I smile at my lack of range. I land a body shot as my opponent returns with another kick.
The bell rings and I hold on to the ropes to alleviate the stress on my legs. Every little bit helps.
It seems like a brute sport, what kind of testosterone filled idiot would engage in receiving and causing damage? It doesn't have to do with proving anything to anyone but yourself. Muscle memory, discipline, and a chess like brain to dominate ones own instincts. The first instinct when you train is to cower away, cover your face and turn your back. That's the worst possible approach, our instincts fail. Were not a moving target, were a wide open target with no sense of direction.
To those that have never done striking, engaged in grappling or other combat sport you've never faced the impact and maturity of martial arts. It isn't a sport for brutes or those lacking confidence, instead it's an embrace of ones sorroundings and their opponents technique.A street fighter very often gasses themselves out with their posturing and rush of adrenaline instead of relying on technique instead of emotion.
Martial arts comes from the latin meaning art of war. There is a mind state inherent.
A breaking point emerges in any and all fighter, beggining with the novice being overwhelmed by proper technique, falling under the stress of being attacked and cowering away from punches, giving up during submissions. Convincing oneself that they should quit or experience pain and loss.
An street fighter will be overwhelmed by anxiety and adrenaline that by the time they commit to the fight they will exaust themselves and instead of being in the moment they will become one dimensional and only attack from one angle. Their technique causes their defenses to be weak and easily countered, and their offence lacking strength or finess.
An experienced fighter will ideally be cautious and perhaps scared, but ultimately muscle memory will kick in and they will flow combinations and techniques to counter and push their tempo. I don't know if one can fight without fear, but the idea of being confident in ones own abilities causes the brain to become more focused.
When I started striking my instinct would be to circle around away from the punches, after throwing the same basic combos I would be countered and stifled. At certain points after being struck I felt an urge to stop. The reptilian brain would kick in after much practice and I would set up combinations with proper footwork, head movement, precision and then finally committing to well timed combinations and set ups. I would feel secure that I could defend myself and face adversity with a steady hand instead of squirming out of movements.
Technique is the number one tool, speed, strength and elusiveness come second always. If you get stuck in a bad position no amount of energy will negate that. Leverage and position rival all. A mental acuity of being able to maneuver around your opponent kicks in. Even if one is struck you gather your self and see that you can challenge your opponent. The lucky punch is very rare.
Being comfortable in ones own skin was a great offshoot of my training. I didn't ever have to prove to people I was tough because all my aggression had an outlet. I knew I've faced adversity and my mind was prepared for any task that was in front of me.
My self esteem sky rocketed because I felt reassured that I could conquer life it with a proud sense of direction. After every training session I would feel happy to know I made myself better and more capable.
You learn to respect others for their capabilities and potential.Facing life and death because the body knows no different when you're being attacked.
Every human being should know how to defend themselves as well as know what being dominated and close to death feel like. Unless you're training partners are completely savages they're never going to submit you to unconsciousness or break a body part. But to have to forcefully say you give up due to a bad position humbles you. It makes you understand that you have room for improvement but also that another human could to that do you makes you respect people's capabilities.
I recommend Jujitsu as a first time sport. There's no striking as it is a submission based martial art. You tap out when you get in a bad position and there's very little risk of injury. It gives you the thrill of the hunt without the brain damage essentially. Everyone is different though, my girlfriend would rather watch netflicks instead of trying to tap out sweaty people. But I hope you at least see it as a character builder and a humbling activity instead of a aggro douchy sport.
I'm drenched in sweat circling around the ring. I think it's been 3 rounds but It's hard to keep track. I'm desperately trying to not look tired but my heavy breathing and lowered defenses show otherwise. I thought the adrenaline would block out the pain but my left foot feels swollen and restrained.Boom. I get hit with a leg kick to my thigh. My knee buckles for a quick second, I bob my head back and forth to confuse my opponent. I keep throwing punches but they only hit air as I smile at my lack of range. I land a body shot as my opponent returns with another kick.
The bell rings and I hold on to the ropes to alleviate the stress on my legs. Every little bit helps.
It seems like a brute sport, what kind of testosterone filled idiot would engage in receiving and causing damage? It doesn't have to do with proving anything to anyone but yourself. Muscle memory, discipline, and a chess like brain to dominate ones own instincts. The first instinct when you train is to cower away, cover your face and turn your back. That's the worst possible approach, our instincts fail. Were not a moving target, were a wide open target with no sense of direction.
To those that have never done striking, engaged in grappling or other combat sport you've never faced the impact and maturity of martial arts. It isn't a sport for brutes or those lacking confidence, instead it's an embrace of ones sorroundings and their opponents technique.A street fighter very often gasses themselves out with their posturing and rush of adrenaline instead of relying on technique instead of emotion.
Martial arts comes from the latin meaning art of war. There is a mind state inherent.
A breaking point emerges in any and all fighter, beggining with the novice being overwhelmed by proper technique, falling under the stress of being attacked and cowering away from punches, giving up during submissions. Convincing oneself that they should quit or experience pain and loss.
An street fighter will be overwhelmed by anxiety and adrenaline that by the time they commit to the fight they will exaust themselves and instead of being in the moment they will become one dimensional and only attack from one angle. Their technique causes their defenses to be weak and easily countered, and their offence lacking strength or finess.
An experienced fighter will ideally be cautious and perhaps scared, but ultimately muscle memory will kick in and they will flow combinations and techniques to counter and push their tempo. I don't know if one can fight without fear, but the idea of being confident in ones own abilities causes the brain to become more focused.
When I started striking my instinct would be to circle around away from the punches, after throwing the same basic combos I would be countered and stifled. At certain points after being struck I felt an urge to stop. The reptilian brain would kick in after much practice and I would set up combinations with proper footwork, head movement, precision and then finally committing to well timed combinations and set ups. I would feel secure that I could defend myself and face adversity with a steady hand instead of squirming out of movements.
Technique is the number one tool, speed, strength and elusiveness come second always. If you get stuck in a bad position no amount of energy will negate that. Leverage and position rival all. A mental acuity of being able to maneuver around your opponent kicks in. Even if one is struck you gather your self and see that you can challenge your opponent. The lucky punch is very rare.
Being comfortable in ones own skin was a great offshoot of my training. I didn't ever have to prove to people I was tough because all my aggression had an outlet. I knew I've faced adversity and my mind was prepared for any task that was in front of me.
My self esteem sky rocketed because I felt reassured that I could conquer life it with a proud sense of direction. After every training session I would feel happy to know I made myself better and more capable.
You learn to respect others for their capabilities and potential.Facing life and death because the body knows no different when you're being attacked.
Every human being should know how to defend themselves as well as know what being dominated and close to death feel like. Unless you're training partners are completely savages they're never going to submit you to unconsciousness or break a body part. But to have to forcefully say you give up due to a bad position humbles you. It makes you understand that you have room for improvement but also that another human could to that do you makes you respect people's capabilities.
I recommend Jujitsu as a first time sport. There's no striking as it is a submission based martial art. You tap out when you get in a bad position and there's very little risk of injury. It gives you the thrill of the hunt without the brain damage essentially. Everyone is different though, my girlfriend would rather watch netflicks instead of trying to tap out sweaty people. But I hope you at least see it as a character builder and a humbling activity instead of a aggro douchy sport.
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